Grief: When It’s Not What You Planned
While breastfeeding is often described as “feeding your baby from your body,” we know it is never just that. If you’ve breastfed for days, weeks, months, or years, you know that breastfeeding is an experience that has threads of joy, pain, pride, exhaustion, grief, empowerment, and so many other emotions woven throughout. It can be beautiful one moment and utterly overwhelming the next.
I’ve had the honor of walking alongside mothers who beamed with confidence and found ease and peace in each feeding. I’ve also sat beside countless mothers who shared their raw feelings, with tears streaming down their faces as they came to terms with the fact that their breastfeeding journeys weren’t going to look the way they had envisioned. It’s not uncommon for strangers to recount the highs and lows of their own breastfeeding experiences when they learn that I am a Lactation Consultant. It’s as if they're compelled to tell someone who understands what their personal wins are as well as the parts that still plague their consciences decades later.
I’ve learned that no matter what your breastfeeding journey looks like, the emotions that come with it are as real and valid as the milk itself.
It’s easy to identify and relate to the grief that comes from the passing of a loved one, but what about the grief that accompanies a less tangible loss? When breastfeeding doesn’t go as planned, it can leave a deep longing for the experience you originally desired. Maybe you envisioned placing your baby on your chest for an effortless latch immediately after birth, only to face a complicated NICU stay. Maybe you dreamed of an abundant milk supply that fed your baby for at least one year, but ended up supplementing with formula too. Maybe you never imagined it would be difficult, but now you doubt yourself with every feeding.
Whatever the reason, know that it’s okay to grieve the feeding experience you hoped for but didn’t have. It doesn’t mean you aren’t grateful for your baby and your experience, and it certainly doesn’t mean you’re a failure. It simply means you care deeply for your baby and your own mama heart. We often hear the terms “breastfeeding success" and “breastfeeding failure,” but these terms simply aren’t adequate for the complexities of the breastfeeding relationship. The narrow definition of “breastfeeding success” that says that all feedings need to happen directly at the breast, or that 100% of baby’s nutrition needs to be mom’s own milk for a specified time, or that breastfeeding is only successful if it lasts a certain number of months or years does a grotesque disservice to the mothers who’ve pivoted and changed their goals, but still provided breast milk for their babies. Let’s be clear, providing any amount of your breast milk to your baby, by any means, constitutes breastfeeding success.
Self-Talk: Changing the Conversation
When breastfeeding difficulties arise, it’s easy to fall into a negative self-talk spiral. Mom guilt is real, and it really impacts the lens through which we see our breastfeeding experiences. Changing your self-talk can change your entire perspective. Recognizing that “breastfeeding success” doesn’t have to look one particular way can give you freedom to adjust while continuing to move toward your goals. In fact, it can give you freedom to change those goals if needed. When you’re tempted to preach doom and gloom to yourself, consider changing the conversation:
Instead of
- “I’m not making enough.”
- “I’m failing my baby.”
- “I’ll never get it right.”
Try this
- “Every drop of my milk is beneficial for my baby.”
- “I love my baby, and the amount of breast milk I make doesn’t change that.”
- “I’m still learning, and breastfeeding success looks different for different people.”
Empowerment: Finding Support for the Journey
I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve seen a family’s breastfeeding journey derailed by lack of support and misinformation. If you’re struggling with breastfeeding, getting support from an experienced IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant) should be one of the first steps you take. An IBCLC is trained to assess, troubleshoot, and support both you and your baby with evidence-based guidance tailored to your unique situation. Having someone who can consistently provide encouragement and accurate information will help alleviate the panic and desperation you feel as you feverishly search Google for breastfeeding help at 2 a.m.
Before you hire an IBCLC, take time to vet. Ask about their experience with your specific concerns. Make sure their personality and support style are a good fit for you and your family. Pay attention to how you feel after the initial conversation. The right IBCLC will not only be an expert in the field, but will also listen with compassion and respect. Expert support can help you feel empowered as you move through your breastfeeding journey, even if it looks different what you originally planned
Peace: Avoid Comparison
In an age of constant scrolling, it’s easy for all of us to fall prey to comparing ourselves to the picture-perfect accounts served up to us on social media. This is particularly true when we’re at our most vulnerable during postpartum and the early days of motherhood. Mamas, keep in mind that social media is a highlight reel! These polished, filtered, and curated moments often leave out the parts that are raw and real. We rarely see genuine portrayals of cracked nipples, babies that don’t sleep, random episodes of postpartum crying, or the struggles of constant low milk supply. When you come across an account that leaves you feeling like your breastfeeding journey just doesn't measure up, mute or unfollow. Set boundaries that protect your peace. It might be helpful to also establish a daily time limit for social media — in fact, this practice is a healthy one to keep around far beyond the postpartum period! No one’s story is exactly like yours, and it’s 100% okay if your journey doesn’t match what you see on your phone screen.
Joy: More Than Milk
While it often feels like the focus is on ounces pumped, minutes per side, or months of exclusive breastfeeding, know that you are more than these things! Separate your joy from these measurements, and look for it in the snuggles, smiles, giggles, love, and memories shared.
Your worth as a mother is not measured in milliliters. It’s measured in the way you show up for your baby. With every soft word, every gentle touch, every soothing hug, you show your little one that you’re their steady presence day after day. Motherhood is not a competition. It’s a unique journey that changes us, molds us, and adds to who we were before. You, dear mama, are doing a good job. You are so much more than milk!
About The Author
Jacque Ordner is a mom of four sons and IBCLC in the heart of the Midwest in Illinois. Her love of lactation support began over a decade ago when she was working as a registered nurse. She specializes in adoptive lactation, breastfeeding after c-section, and pumping.
Information provided in blogs should not be used as a substitute for medical care or consultation.
Information provided in blogs should not be used as a substitute for medical care or consultation.
